I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize