When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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