being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We left an ass print on the piano.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
