Girls should come with a carfax report
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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