Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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