put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize