who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize