When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
