listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
