do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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