so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
