wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
