there's paper in my vomit.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
