The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
