Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
