Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize