so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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