Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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