No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
