I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
