Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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