Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
