I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
