my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
time to smoke my breakfast
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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