She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
