the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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