Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize