I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she told me i tasted like america
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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