I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
