if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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