im six kinds of drunk right now
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
