Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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