She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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