Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
are you so shy because you have an std?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
