I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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