Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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