i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
