I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
