Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
