I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
