Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize