You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
