dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
