Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
