this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I want a musical about memes.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
