I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize