i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
