The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
