I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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