When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
