You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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