Is it because I queefed?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
