matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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