he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
