i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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