I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
