So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
